My husband asked me to write a blog about him, about who he was. I am not sure what he wants from me. Validation on who he thinks he has become or was, perspective through someone else’s eyes. How ever it feels like a daunting task. I don’t do well with a set goal or subject. Especially a subject that may not like what he reads.
July 2008 this guy shows up in my driveway, a guy I hadn’t seen in a decade and literally picks me up and plants one hell of a kiss on me. He was cocky, self assured, egotistical, honestly kind of a douche. But maybe the most charismatic douche I had ever met. He wasn’t how I remembered him but I also don’t think talking was our strong suit in the past. I had never laughed so hard in my life, I was instantly in love. Initially I am pretty sure I just had that new feeling that he was enamored with. And then life became complicated quick and it was all about rescuing me. See my husband is like a woman in that aspect. He is a fixer. And I needed fixing okay I needed saving.
In the beginning he made it clear that skating was everything. That where other girls had failed him in the past I needed to understand he would never love me as much as his skateboard. No seriously it was him, a part of him, the most important part of him. Skating, the relationships and memories he had from it were everything. That piece of wood on wheels had given him something he had never really had. Security, a foundation, he was part of something. I got it and had no qualms with being second.
Over the years his priorities shifted, his friends moved on, dreams involving this piece of wood faded away. He struggled with letting go, moving on. He was losing his identity. And this has been his hardest struggle. See he is no longer defined by an inanimate object. Which is scary. To be invested in people, people who may leave you, and most certainly will disappoint you. Who you may disappoint.
He misses making those memories on that piece of wood. He misses the friendships that he built. The freedom it gave him.
Is my husband still egotistical, yes. Is he still cocky, yes. Self assured, sure his self esteem has taken a beating. But I see a man who loves deeper, who hurts deeper, who wants more not just for himself. I see a father, a good father. I see a man who doesn’t put an inanimate object first but his family. Who realizes there is more to life than just kickflips.
My husband needs to find a balance, a bridge between his past and his present. He needs to make new memories, build new relationships. He needs to let go of disappointment, of who he once was. He needs to realize he is no longer defined by an inanimate object. Once he does he might actually enjoy those kickflips again.
He is a father, a husband, a friend, a man who happens to also skate.