Dear Barnes and Noble,

I recently decided to use my iPad for something other than Facebook and looking at cute puppy pictures. I downloaded the Nook app and proceeded to purchase my very first ebook. I did this with reservations because I honestly believe in reading books written on paper. There is nothing like the smell of an actual book.

Recently I crawled out from my hole in the ground and caught wind of the hoopla surrounding 50 Shades of Grey by E L James. Now I have read erotica before and I like to think I’m pretty free sexually. So I wasn’t really thrown off by that aspect.

I’d like my $9.99 back please.

Now I’ve read some shit excuse my language. And I get escapism. But I found myself more agitated than even aroused or entertained by this piece of fiction. I almost found the idea of it offensive.

If you haven’t read the book and don’t care to know more please stop reading here. This is where my rant begins.

The two main characters are as cliched as they come. Almost graduate, mousy, virgin, but she’s really hot girl meets young, powerful, emotionally damaged into kink millionaire.

Of course they can’t stay away from each other. Her hormones are finally in full swing and she is so different and complex to him. Blah Blah Blah.

If you are 22 and have not had sex. Your first sexual encounter probably should be with someone a little more benign. Not an emotionally damaged, won’t let you touch him deviant. Which is totally fine because he was abused as a child.

And how empowering and womanly is it to walk away when you realize he’s never going to love you like you need. Even after you let him whip you with a belt. Thank goodness you said no to the caning. But only to return to him 5 days later in the next book. I know that because I googled the second book. I’m not reading that shit.

Sure don’t we all have a few dirty fantasies. Can’t you ignore the ridiculous story and bad writing. Just dive into and enjoy the erotic nature of the book. Um no.

I can’t enjoy a book where the main premise is basically about a bad relationship. Where an intelligent woman finds herself in the whole maybe he will be different for me trap. That’s not a love story. It should be a PSA on what to stay away from. If a man can only find emotional satisfaction from whipping you, run away. Even if you think it’s kinda hot.

This book just pissed me off on so many levels. It was 50 shades of annoyance.

I’d like my $9.99 back because this in no way could be called literature. Sure I hated the story line but it was also badly written.

I’m not sure what is going on in today’s households that somehow enough people have bought this book to make it a best seller. Mommy porn, if this is what moms are into these days. Men touch your ladies a bit more. Put your hands up their skirts once in awhile. Do something hell try something new. But do something fast so the rest of us don’t have to be subjected to such horrors as 50 Shades of Grey and future variations of said story.

Thanks again for the recommendation Barnes and Noble. No I did not like this. Give me my $9.99 back.

Sincerely,
Not hot and bothered in Texas