Marriage can be like running a marathon in -10 degree weather after a week long bender
Love can build you up
Life can tear you down
It is very easy to get “caught up” and it is even easier to “give up”
I have a husband who loves me, who I love
I have beautiful children
But over the last two years I have woken up everyday and walked through my life in a daze. I checked out. Some days I wouldn’t even crawl out of bed or get dressed. I can give you a multitude of reasons why. Miscarriages, money, and bad blood. Maybe I was suffering from postpartum depression. Maybe broken children grow up to be broken adults. Or maybe I am just ill equipped to handle conflict. I let the little things get me down and eat me up inside.
I wasn’t living my life, I was watching life from a safe distance
“When did you stop loving me”
My husband will ask me this in a jokingly manner at least once a day. Except it is not a joke, it is based on a real feeling. Some where along the line I stopped loving. I stopped laughing. I stopped smiling.
Going through the motions…..
I can tell you “waking up” to what feels like a day too late is daunting. It is frustrating to be met with anger and trepidation. It doesn’t just “fix” over night. And being self aware doesn’t make change any easier.
I do sad well
I do angry well
Happy confounds me
Caution she will self destruct in 5..4..3..2..1
Today I crawled out of bed, I do angry well. I pointed my finger. I placed blame. I feigned hurt feelings.
“I want you to be happy”
I feigned more hurt. I played hard to get. And then I just gave in. It was easier than I thought. For a moment I drank him in and it felt warm. I know right warm that’s the description I give you. But warm can be wonderful.
I’m sitting here watching the twins toss their pancakes on the floor. And it occurs to me that those pancakes on the floor are worth getting up for.
Marriage can be like a warm bed after a long cold walk home